Posted by: possumjones | October 14, 2007

A Letter…

I don’t know what happened. I have completely lost the ability to communicate effectively. Goes to show how one moment can affect the outcomes of everything. I know the conversations and everything that they are, but why are we incapable of having any of them. This my attempt, so hear me out…

I am writing this with painful disappointment; notwithstanding any clue of a desired result. I do know that I’ve never purposely tried to hurt you and, as much as possible, want you to be happy. I find that to simple and refreshing and important in my life. Keeping that in mind, I’m learning the importance words, the importance of actions, and the importance of time; occasionally working together in unison but, more often, against one another. I find myself more sensitive to all of these things and it is making me a better person. It is also creating a transition from what I’ve thought “manhood to be” and what “being a man” is. This is as vulnerable as I have ever been and when something, or someone, so important to you, it makes you feel defenseless; rather, I feel defenseless. As a man, feeling exposed or in danger, causes me to take an offensive position to regain control, and jurisdiction, of the situation. A man cannot expose his weaknesses because thats when people take advantage of them. I have even, at times, felt “invincible” to pain. We talk about respect as it pertains you, but never as it relates to me. The most honest statement right now is that I do not feel respected. I’ve been thinking about that a lot. At first I put it aside as thinking that I wanted acknowledgement, but, in my opinion, acknowledgement is a function of things from the outside. From within our relationship, it is that I feel disregarded and invisible and the heartache from that is very uncomplicated and easy to comprehend. You have become so guarded that I can’t see, or even remember, the power that made you so strong. This is not to say that it is a prevailing feeling; it is only to reiterate what we all know to be true…that it is easy shut down and shut off when you’re invisible. Exposed, getting yelled at, and having attempts at communication thwarted just leads to more frustration and more disenchantment. By attempting to save our friendship, this time has felt like a setback. By attempting to save our relationship, this time has felt like a setback. In being a very guarded man, this time also could have felt like a setback, but has really been a period of growth (…irony…).

The big elephant in the room for this and probably every relationship is communication. As our relationship has developed over the years, the communication has suffered. In “suffered”, I mean stymied. In “stymied”, I mean deteriorated. In “deteriorated”, I mean it’s fucked up!

  • We should not feel uncomfortable talking about our feelings.
  • We should not feel uncomfortable discussing things that the other may be indifferent or dispassionate about.
  • We should not feel uncomfortable discussing intimate moments we have shared; even in embarrassing detail.
  • We should not feel uncomfortable being emotionally honest.
  • We should not feel uncomfortable being vulnerable.

I have been blessed to know and honor to you. I want a strong relationship with you. And not just any strong, but like powerful strong; and with that:

Powerful, productive relationships are based on powerful, productive communication.

Again, I have no desired result from this; just trying to focus on the things I can control. I just thought it would be effective if I got it all out; without interuption.

We should never have to talk about this again.


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